I originally wrote this in March 2023 after one of my employers, a content writing site, transitioned to AI-generated content moderated by humans. While this was an appealing job description for a professional writer, it also came with a 67% pay reduction. This article was my farewell to AI, and (fingers crossed) meaningless content writing.
When I left Iowa I thought I was done with AI for good. I no longer needed this injection of efficiency, done, if we are honest with ourselves, against the will of those affected. The hours spent trying to use the best product, believing the ends justified the means. My AI lived contained within a precious device, always temperature-controlled. This AI delivers the future, I was told, while minimizing the risks, the realistic, achingly poetic fragility, of development.
Of course I am talking about boar semen. In that case I am free from AI, or artificial insemination. However I became a casualty of that other AI today. Yes, ChatGPT chewed me up and spit me out, without even a cryptic, semi-accurate pink slip fluttering down to rest atop my one now-extinct funding stream/my hopes and dreams.
What do I do when an algorithm steals two-thirds of my earnings from a job, the first job landed after realizing my fundraising career was consuming me alive? A gig striving to push me into an even-lower version of keyboard monkey than I enjoyed previously (a silent abyss previously unknown and deliberately unpondered)?
Write to you of course.
Here are the highlights of my illustrious career as a former content writer:
BUT FIRST!
What is a content writer you ask? Here is an exercise: Google a mundane question like “what is the difference between slippers and house shoes?” or “best herbs for pizza”. All of the results for the first 2-3 pages will be written by freelancers, frantically working to stuff as many keywords as possible into an accurate (?) article.
The first page or two of search results contains posts written solely to hoodwink the Google algorithm and appear higher on the list, regardless of their factual or English accuracy or any celebration of the written word. Dubious snake charmers of the algorithm earn money from running ads on the site. Visiting these useless sites makes passive income for people who don’t care about the accuracy of articles that help you do activities with no harmful consequences like repairing a lawnmower or dyeing hair.
These articles will increasingly be written by artificial intelligence bots, so in my opinion, wise Googlers should skip to at least the fourth or fifth page of results for trustworthy information and always check the URL for a reasonable source before clicking.
Memories of a Human Freelancer or
How to Succeed at Content Writing Without Really Caring
1. I once wrote an article called “Can You Milk a Dog?” The mystery was quickly extinguished when I realized one of the mandatory keywords was “HOW TO MILK A DOG.”
2. I absolutely penned 1,500 words about “How to Dance at a Wedding.” The next time you see me dancing at a wedding, remember I was paid money to share my wisdom about this topic.
3. The only article I ever wrote that was banished to hell by the client was “can you use human poop as compost.” I spent hours researching scatalogical data and potential health concerns that may arise when snacking on a homegrown pootato or turdnip. However I was never paid for this effort and I am unsure why. They just requested a total re-write. They flushed my draft, you could say. I never got emotionally attached to these content writing pieces, so I am not tremendously upset by this. Except for the implication that this unpaid labor may officially classify in-depth feces research as a hobby.
4. One of my earliest projects demanded I write as a 40-year-old dad who dreams of supercharging his child’s Big Wheels toy. Was far more successful than the poop article.
5. Client requests often represented the leading edge of societal needs because clients submitted article topics based on trendy Internet searches. I watched requests for articles on NFTs and cryptocurrencies dominate then disappear during my brief time as a content writer. I remember feeling genuinely spooked by one client who wanted an article for all of the 50 states about whether it was legal to sleep in your car. The only evergreen content I witnessed showing up consistently involved alcohol and articles with titles like, “BEST XXNUMBER FUNERAL SONGS FOR AN AUNT”.
My days of OB lube and flimsy plastic gloves extending to the shoulder are firmly in my rearview mirror, but today shows AI still haunts me. I recommend reading about artificial intelligence and educating yourself about the ethics of this topic to decide how you feel. My introduction to the Internet was an unregulated fire hose, so I hope reading about AI helps me feel more in control for this next tremendous societal evolution. I found this piece especially worthwhile, but disclaimer–it is long.
