Super Bowl Sunday, America’s most beloved unofficial national holiday, kicks off in a few days. However, I feel particularly uninterested this year. Perhaps because my team, the Chicago Bears, effectively quit their season in late November when they took the rare step of firing their head coach in-season (timing that was mere days before my personal day of birth AND ALSO the Sunday I watched my Bears flop around from a sunny seat at San Francisco’s Levi’s Stadium [THE PAIN]).
Or perhaps because I have so many good ideas for the NFL (and the Chicago Bears):
Suggestions to Improve the NFL At-Large
I met Chris Berman at a Boston Red Sox game once, so I think I am close to getting these ideas realized.
1. Ration Field Goals Like Times Out
The number of nail-bitingly close NFL games is increasing, to a record-breaking degree. Many times, the team gets into field goal position and kicks their way to victory.
But what if teams had to plan and strategize in advance in order to have the opportunity to use the trustworthy field goal?
I think rationing field goals like times out (three per half) would add extra drama to close games heavily reliant on field goals to win. This rule enhancement would also spice up the dreadfully boring games where both teams can only manage to kick field goals.
1a. Update Term to “Times Out”
Time is made plural in this phrase and therefore it should be “times out” instead of “time outs.” See also: spoonsful and Attorneys General.
2. Dance-Offs During Coaches Challenges
It has been eight years since the NFL reversed their stick-in-the-mud philosophy regarding touchdown dancing. However, the only way we get to appreciate them is a fleeting shot from a cargo short-ed cameraperson racing toward the end zone. Or, if a benevolent social media user with good taste shares a compilation.
As the airtime surrounding a coach’s challenge is now for sale, I am requesting State Farm uses this downtime to highlight the players’ meticulously choreographed dances. This could be in the form of a video produced in advance, explaining the meaningful lore of each team’s touchdown performance. Or, my personal preference: mobilize the paused players into a live performance while the referee sticks his head into the league’s blue Microsoft microwaves.
Added bonus—if you are a team who is not known for experiencing touchdowns, audiences can still appreciate the talent displayed in these handcrafted dances.
3. Ditch the US Mint Hat Designers
Approximately 68 minutes of each football broadcast involve zooming in on the sideline, hoping to capture a coach ferociously chomping on gum or getting snatched by his Pants Man.
It’s a necessary part of the show, but what is brutally uncalled for are the official NFL hats each year. For the last several years, I have to assume the NFL has hired the same person responsible for dreaming up the state quarters from 20 years ago. I am begging for a fresher, not government seal-inspired design for 2025.
Specific Suggestions for My Chicago Bears
I believe these ideas will support my beloved team as they fulfill their NFL role of finding new and creative ways to participate in football.
1. Guardian Caps with Ears
Guardian Caps are the new helmet technology being adopted by a slim minority of NFL players. These soft caps fit over traditional helmets and help defray the shock from a collision by absorbing and distributing the force via a squishy outer layer.
Very few players adopted the Cap during its inaugural season in 2024. Therefore, I believe the Chicago Bears can be on the right side of history with a team-wide adoption of Guardian Caps.
Guardian Caps seem like the wise choice and perhaps are an easier sell with a young roster like the Bears’. As a whimsical bonus, the Bears can also implement soft, fuzzy bears ears on the outside of the helmet (which I consider as practical as the rhythmic gymnastics-inspired skinny towel).
These ears would go over great with two audiences the NFL is trying to court: Nickelodeon watchers and the British. I believe having 11 Paddingtons running around would immediately clear any obstacles for a London franchise.
2. Coaches Dressing Like Team
In Major League Baseball, the head coach (or “manager”) wears the same uniform as their players and I need this adorable tradition to gain momentum across all sports (and all occupations, frankly).
The Chicago Bears can start with their new head coach and the aforementioned Bears Ears Guardian Caps.
3. Shock Value Calls at Line of Scrimmage
Producing positive yards on offense has not necessarily ever been the Chicago Bears’ strength. Therefore, I think they should employ a low-risk element of SURPRISE!
Because of the powerful omnipresence of the NFL’s documentarians, we hear practically everything that happens on the field each week–including the strange cadences on the line of scrimmage. I propose the Chicago Bears experiment with goofy cadences, in an effort to distract the defense with an incoherent string of the funniest words in the English language.
Imagine: a quarterback starts yelling, “MOMMY” or “FUNGUS” as code to his teammates while confusing their opponents or perhaps tickling their funny bones. This feels like a foolproof strategy on offense in between the Bears’ scoring drives on defense and special teams. This is also perhaps another way to engage the Nickelodeon and English audiences.
